There are so many visual aids for the May 1996 Ads & Features episode of RT Rewind that I had to make a special post just for the glorious art.

Got some snacks? A nice drink?

And if you’re in Europe, an ice water bathtub? (I’m thinking of y’all. I hope the heat breaks soon.)

Let’s go back to May 1996!

The cover of the magazine is truly one of the greatest we’ve looked at. She’s got ALL her clothes on, John De Salvo’s nipple is in Grave Danger, and her gun is extremely large.

The cover of Lady Deception, and she is gonna shoot John De Salvo. She is determined.

Here are some other Bobbi Smith covers that are equally glorious.

The Lady’s Hand by Bobbi Smith: she also has all her clothing on and all the cards in her hand (yeah, girl) while he’s got…a brocade vest, a fluffy shirt open BUT STILL TUCKED IN.

The heroine is a riverboat card shark:

UNLUCKY AT CARDS…Cool-headed and ravishingly beautiful, Brandy O’Neill knew how to hold her own with the river boat gamblers on the Pride of New Orleans. But she met her match in Rafe Morgan when she bet everything she had on three queens and discovered that the wealthy plantation owner had a far-from-gentlemanly notion of how she should make good on her wagers.

LUCKY IN LOVE…Disillusioned with romance, Rafe wanted a child of his own to care for, without the complications of a woman to break his heart. Now a full house had given him just the opportunity he was looking for—he would force the lovely cardsharp to marry him and give him a child before he’d set her free. But a firecracker-hot wedding night and a glimpse into Brandy’s tender heart soon made Rafe realize he’d been luckier than he ever imagined when he won…THE LADY’S HAND.

 

And, of course, Heaven by Bobbi Smith, with Hot Oates.

HOT OATES AND FIRE!

This is the inside cover of the magazine: Cindy Guyer Romance Dolls!

The dolls look pretty tall – Amanda says this one is giving American Girl doll:

And you can buy some on eBay! This one below is $30.

Creepy dolls! That is a new RT development and we are very pleased.

There are a few covers that were advertised in the magazine in black and white, but even in that format it was something.

So I went to find them in COLOR.

Amanda thinks that dude looks dead. I don’t think she’s wrong.

And check out that Crystal Gayle hair!

Recently we met The Mackenzies: Cleve by Ana Leigh, and my apologies for the blurry image. There are not many images of this cover.

Look at that shiny, smarmy man. Just smarming all over her. Though again, I dig it when the women have all their clothing on, but on a romance cover, the guy is ALWAYS allergic to shirts.

 

Well, this month, we’re meeting Luke.

Look at this Lisa Frank-attacked-the-bi-pride-flag color scheme right here!

He’s so orange. And also smarmy.

But this is the new cover. I’m sorry to report it’s kind of a downgrade.

I say this in the episode, the problem with photographs for pictures like these is that the rendering of what we like to call O Face in art, in digital illustration and oil paintings, looks okay. Or maybe I’m used to it but O Face on an old skool cover might look weird but it doesn’t look…like this.

In a photograph, O Face looks…drunk? Sleepy? Slack jawed and tired? Hopped on quaaludes?

That facial expression doesn’t look good in photographs. It’s one way in which you can’t replicate the original style. In a photo, it just looks like an awkward moment.

Neither of these covers are great and all of these men have a smarm index of 79%, but I’d choose the old one every time.

This is yet another cover that was meh in black and white but in color is kind of startling. Flag background aside, there’s a whole ass war going on behind them, but she’s got that 80s hair I wished I’d had when I was younger.

Also look at that stubby ponytail and that big puffy shirt. Do you think there’s just one puffy shirt and the cover models loan it to each other? Giant sleeves, voluminous body, and the buttons are pristine because they HAVE to wear it unbuttoned but NEVER TUCKED IN.

‘Tis the law.

This book is set in…

wait, you should guess.

Go on, guess.

80s? Maybe the 70s?

Nope. This is set in Arizona territory in 1863.

Look at those tearaway athletic pants! And the very slender waist! And the pec shelf!

BUT WHERE ARE HER LEGS. WHERE ARE THEY. Where. WHERE.

Speaking of legs, I genuinely wasn’t sure if this dude is bare assed in the grass.

This is also a time travel with a doctor who goes back in time to a Confederate hospital. Yikes on a moped.

 

To quote Amanda, if he’s coming up behind you like that, what you’re feeling is NOT a pea.

I think he’s trying to convince her to go to the nether regions, if you know what I mean, and I am sure that you do.

But this is the pièce de résistance: this is the centerfold of the magazine.

A full color image of THE STEPBACK of Bride of Fortune by Shirl Henke.

We’ll start with the horse, who looks annoyed.

AND LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT IT.

• He has a curly fluffy mullet that is glowing in the sun. His mullet is fulsome and his curls are in charge of this moment.
• GLOWING MULLET.
• He’s got a white shirt with giant ass sleeves and is it unbuttoned BUT STILL TUCKED IN? Yes. Yes, it is.
• And his big pirate sleeves are rolled up because this artist suspected that forearms are hot and they were right.
• He’s got chest hair! And a peekaboo nipple!
• But look at that bandolier. What sad tidings for this nipple. That bullet-studded bandolier across his chest is going to take that nipple right off. Or wear a bare patch across all that hair.
• That’s got to chafe, right? Maybe the back is lined with silk.
• But also, don’t miss the trousers: he is a gun THE LENGTH OF HIS THIGH, and a knife.
• And that waist! I believe the word is “snatched.”

This is one of the greatest romance illustrations I’ve ever seen, and I will not entertain arguments otherwise.

So those are the visual aids for Episode 724. If you’d like to watch us discussing all of the above and a few (many) other moments from the episode, here’s a YouTube video.

You can find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or you can listen right here:

Which one is your favorite from this collection?

May your mullet glow today!