Jay Nadkarni, 24, shares how she thought she lost her sister after marriage

I was visiting my sister’s new marital home, to attend a puja for the newlyweds. I watched her run around helping her in-laws with preparations and rush to get ready. At one point, she pulled me aside and asked, “Which one?” holding up two lipsticks, a nude and a red. I was confused. This was the same woman who I used to have to force to wear even just a tinted lip balm.

I know people change after getting married, especially women, who have new responsibilities and are expected to adjust to the ways of their new home. But I didn’t expect it to happen to my older sister this fast. Aashna had met this other family only a year ago and she was wearing makeup now? Was this the same person I had shared a room with for 23 years?

How can I be happy and jealous at the same time?

Everything changed the day she said yes to getting married. The couple was set up by our mothers who had matched their profiles on a matrimonial website and exchanged their kids’ numbers. They went on a few dates before the official rishta meeting, and immediately hit it off. It was nice seeing my sister excited about a guy. I would tease her and even help her get ready for her dates.

It was a perfect match. I liked that he brought out the more outgoing side of her—Aashna would come alive around him. And I felt like I was getting a brother out of the deal because he and I got along pretty well too. Yet somewhere, I had begun to miss not having 100% of her attention.

Then came the dreaded day when they got married and she officially left home. I can’t describe what I was feeling that day. Happy, yes, but also jealous, miserable, lonely?

Aashna’s new home was more than an hour away, and our room became just my room. In that first year, we only met on random weekends or for festive celebrations, surrounded by her in-laws, her husband and our parents. I had to start checking if she was free first, anytime I wanted to tell her something. I could no longer just sit next to her on our couch after coming home, and talk endlessly.

No one understood how I felt. My parents told me I’d get over it. I turned to Reddit and articles online just to make sense of what I was going through. But everything described there was about friendship. Being a sibling is a different bond though—she was my best friend, who I also lived with and shared history, family and childhood memories with. A sibling separation is that much harder.

From sisters to strangers

Over time, this one big change evolved into smaller, torturous reminders that I didn’t have my sister around. When I got a raise, I had to wait to call her because she was cooking with her in-laws. Compare that to when just a year before, I had rushed to the living room to tell her I had got the job.

I had fights with Aashna because whenever she and I were making plans to meet, she’d suggest bringing her husband along. And even when we did manage to hang out at times, she would pause anything we were doing to video call him. Those calls would last 20 to 30 minutes and it felt like even while she was with me, she wasn’t fully present. I felt like she didn’t just want to be my sister.

My brother-in-law didn’t make it any easier. He’s an only child and now that he was getting to live with his favourite person, he didn’t want to share her either. We had our fair share of arguments over who got to spend time with her.

My sister wanted everyone to get along and would sometimes force interactions for that reason. She was probably just figuring out how to balance her old family with the new family, but it wouldn’t go well. We’d each keep yelling about how each of us couldn’t couldn’t understand the other.

This constant back and forth with both of them went on for months; once she and I even ended up not talking for a week. But, as my sister closes in on two years of marriage, I’m finally getting used to this new arrangement.

Slowly becoming friends again

In retrospect, I was too hard on Aashna. Of the both of us, it was she who had to move away from her old life, and start a new one. She had to prioritise her in-laws and make a good impression because she’d only known them for a year (credit to them for making it easier for her to adjust, contrary to the common saas-bahu drama I had read about). On top of being newlywed, she also had to balance a new job and social life—and a younger sister who kept arguing with her.

Over time, as I’ve understood her new life better, we’ve started talking to each other and actually listening. It’s taken us time, it’s not something you can resolve in one afternoon. Piece by piece, issue by issue, we’ve unclogged the mess.

I’ve become accustomed to being alone too, and I’m kind of enjoying it now. I’ve started spending more time with my parents and friends. And my room doesn’t feel like an empty space anymore.

We meet more often now, just Aashna and me—to plan trips, to go to the movies, sometimes to do nothing together. This way she gets to strike the balance she needs between family life and her individuality. And even if not in the same way as before, I get to have my sister back.